LIFE

My BFF and I have been friends since second grade. Recently, I found out that she was sexually abused by her older brother for three years. Her mom blames her for it and excuses her bro by saying, "He was young, he didn't know what he was doing to you." Her bro was 12-14 and she was 9-11.  

My BFF has been really torn up about it. When she told her parents that she'd told me and a couple of her closest besties, they flew off the hook on her and got really mad. She kept her abuse a secret for four years without even telling her parents, and now that they know, it doesn't seem like they're doing anything about it. I feel so sorry for her and have talked to her a lot about it, but I feel like something more needs to be done.

I know just talking to her isn't going to heal her pain or her fear of her bro. Since almost no one knows, it's not something I can talk to my mom or anyone else about. What should I do?

Wow girl, this is a very intense and horrible situation. I am so sorry to hear that your bestie had to go through this. I know it must seem totally unfair. Sometimes things happen in life that we cannot understand or explain, and they just leave us wondering, “Why?” All we know is that this type of abuse should not happen to anyone, and it is absolutely not her fault. You must feel incredibly awkward since you don’t want to go behind her back and tell anyone else. Right now your friend is probably feeling incredibly alone and scared so the most important thing you can do is be there for her 100% in any shape, way or form.

First off, your school has guidance counselors that are there to provide support especially in rough times like these. If your BFF is nervous, go with her to the school guidance counselor so she doesn’t feel alone. Knowing that you’re by her side will help her feel less nervous. The counselors are a great way to get all those built up frustrations out. Your bestie prob has a lot of anger and confusion pent up. It’s not healthy keeping all those emotions stirring up inside. This will be a perfect release and way for her to just let it all out! The guidance counselor can also find your BFF some support groups, which can really help her cope with all the crazy feelings and emotions that she's dealing with right now.

Support groups can be a great place for your bestie to meet other people, like her, who may be experiencing the same or similar problems. By talking, or even just listening to other victim’s stories, it may help her better understand her own issues. She may even make close friends with people who are coping with the same or similar struggles. Since her family isn’t being helpful, it’s important that she find the support she needs somewhere else. A group will help her move on.

Also, when I’m upset, I like to take time focusing on things that I make me happy instead of dwelling on the pain. Does you bestie enjoy writing? Tell her to start penning poetry or keeping a journal that only she can read! Does she love the outdoors? Go for a hike together after school. It will give her a chance to get away and escape, and she'll be able to vent to you if she feels the need. Advise your friend to find whatever it is that she loved doing before her world was shaken upside down by this tragedy, and use it to help bring her some of the pleasure she had before all this pain came her way.

This may be one of the toughest sitches that your BFF will ever have to deal with in her entire life. It will help for her to know that you are there for her no matter what. It might take a while for your bestie to get back to her old self again, and that’s perfectly understandable. But in the meanwhile, treat her like you did before this horrible incident. Make her laugh until her stomach hurts with awesome impressions, and stay all night chatting at your next sleepover.  All you can do at this time is be there for love and support. That’s what friends are for!

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10/6/2009 7:00:00 AM