LIFE

Dear Carol,

I am in a huge group of friends, and in that group there are different trios and duos of best friends. My main crew is a trio with my two best friends in the world. The problem is that sometimes they hang out after school without me. They don’t tell me, but I’ll see them at each other’s houses on Snapchat. I told them I felt left out and then, after that, I saw another Snap of them together while I was at a cross-country competition. It made me sad. We hang out as a trio, but I’ve never been asked to hang out with just one of them. When I make plans, I always make sure everyone is available so no one feels excluded. I know it’s normal for friend groups to split into parts, but in a trio this just makes me feel sad and lonely. They aren’t mean and they always include me at school, just not after school. Am I overreacting?

- Trio of Friends

Dear Trio of Friends,

Triangles are complicated—and pointy! I understand why you sometimes feel left out, but I also understand why your friends might want to make plans to see each other when they know you’re busy with cross-country. Ideally, you can hang out as a trio but also see each other as duos and mix with other friends. In other words, it shouldn’t be against the rules for two friends to see each other without the whole crew...as long as no one tries to make anyone feel excluded. Consider texting, “I know I’ve told you I sometimes feel left out, but I’ve realized that we don’t have to be the Three Musketeers. Are either (or both) of you free to grab smoothies and study on Sunday morning?” If one or both jump in, great. If you get total silence? That will be hard, but at least you’ll know it’s time to press pause on defining yourself as part of this trio and time to explore some other options in your wider group.

Carol Weston is the author of 16 books including Speed of Life, her novel (and audiobook) about a 14-year-old girl who writes to an advice columnist. Learn more at carolweston.com, and follow her on Instagram @carolwestonnyc.

In need of more friendship advice? Read more Dear Carol below:
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by GL | 1/29/2024