“Fading” by Adrianna C.

I stare at the name.  I want to open a chat.  There is not one thing I want to do more.  I put it off for a while, doing homework and all that.  Finally, I have to.  I can sense the conversation before it happens; opening with a cheerful “hello” on my end and a halfhearted “hi” on yours.  It’s my turn now, so I ask how you are.  You say “fine”, and I know you aren’t but that’s the polite thing to say.  Then you ask me, so I say the same thing.  We are polite, but the gap between us is evident. 

Now it’s your turn so you ask about school.  A one word answer, “good”, is all I say.  It’s a lie, but it’s easier.  Then to be nice, I ask you, and you say fine, but I know you’re worried about so many things.  Next I ask about your school play.  I know it was a couple days ago, but I couldn’t go see it.  Would you have cared if I had?  The same answer always applies, and a “fine” is all I get from your end. 

Since it really is your turn now, you tell me that your auditions for the next play are tomorrow.  I say “good luck”, and you say “thanks”.  It’s like a little battle, who’s going to break first?  I know how it ends.  It’s how it always ends.  Another unoriginal excuse to leave, and another wall built between us.  I know it’s not true and you know I know it’s not true, but the silence can get so loud.  I don’t want to face it for another second.  We’re miles away, but the miles are slowly being filled with brick. 

It shouldn’t have to be this hard.  I shouldn’t have to fight everyday to love you.  Our conversations do not have to be filled with awkward silence and polite small talk.  You are my best friend.  We shouldn’t be lying or hiding.  You were the one who knew who I was crushing on before I did.  You gave me makeovers daily, but told me I was pretty without them. 

by GL reader | 2/1/2016