LIFE

Dear Carol,

One of my friends always makes things about her. Like when my other friend and I were solving a bullying problem, she would always get involved and shift the spotlight onto herself when she wasn’t even a part of it. Also, when I’m telling someone something, she’ll say something completely different and change the subject so it’s about her. I’ve tried many times to tell her, but she’ll just brush me off and say it’s not true. Am I a bad person for trying to tell her?

- My Friend's Not Listening

Dear My Friend's Not Listening, 

No. But sometimes it is OK when people turn conversations to themselves: “That teacher gave me a C-, too,” or “I hear you, my grandpa has a temper,” or “I got my heart broken and I promise you’ll recover.” Still, timing matters. If someone says their aunt died, and another person replies, “My aunt died last year,” that’s rude. Better to listen with compassion and say something comforting, then perhaps share your experience later. In short, I agree that it’s annoying when someone is better at talking than listening. Ideally, conversations should flow back and forth. Since you’ve already pointed out your grievance, there’s not much more you can do. In a group conversation, you can gently say, “Yes, but let’s go back to how Haley handled it.” Some people are slow to change, so my advice to you is to keep your world full of new people so that this pal’s shortcomings don’t send you over the edge.

Carol Weston is the author of 16 books, including Girltalk, Ava and Pip and Speed of Life, a novel about a 14-year-old girl who writes to an advice columnist. Carol's audiobooks are on Spotify. More at carolweston.com and on Instagram @carolwestonnyc.

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by GL | 10/21/2024