CRUSHES

At the end of last school year, Jamie, 13, found herself in a situation that seemed straight out of a TV season finale. All of her friends had sworn they were blowing off freshman prom to go to the beach—that is, until one of them got asked to go. Before long, everyone was grabbing dates and shopping for dresses. Boyfriendless, Jamie was bummed that she was being left behind.

Also bumming was Jamie’s best bud Sam. Now all his friends were going but, as Jamie reports, Sam didn’t really have anybody he liked. The solution for both of them? Do what they had done a thousand times before when there was a party or concert—go together as friends.

“I heard that a lot of the couples were really friends going together,” says Jamie, “so I thought it was a great idea.” So did all of Jamie’s friends. Soon she was joining them in dress shopping marathons and master planning sessions.

On the big day, Jamie went to her friend Collen’s house for a pre-prom party. “Collen’s mom hired a stylist to do everyone’s hair and makeup. It was really fun. Everybody wanted to look awesome for their crushes but they were a little freaked out, since none of us had ever been to anything like a prom. Everybody kept saying how lucky I was to be going with Sam—someone I know so well and have a lot of fun with. I thought it was cool, too.”

Jamie got home just in time to slip into her new dress and greet Sam at the door. “My mom made Sam and me have our pictures taken. I was totally embarrassed, but Sam put his arm around me and joked around. We finally got out of my house and walked a couple blocks to where the limo was waiting in front of my friend’s house. I’m not used to heels, and Sam kind of held me up for the first block. He’s always been thoughtful, but he was being really sweet. I figured maybe he was just trying to play the part of a date.”

“Dinner was a blast. When we finally got to prom, we just hung out and talked and danced to a couple fast songs. Then everyone decided to go look for their ‘hearts.’ This girl on the decorations committee had made hearts with each couple’s name in glitter and made a rule that when you find your heart, you kiss your date. Everybody knew it was her desperate ploy to get her crush to kiss, but all my friends went along with it.”

“Sam and I were the last ones to find ours, and I grabbed it off the wall and threw it in my bag, hoping Sam hadn’t seen. Then my best friend told Sam he had to kiss me! Although I wanted to kill her, I laughed and dragged Sam to the dance floor.”

“At the end of the night, I was really tired and my feet were killing me after spending hours in heels. Sam asked the limo driver if he’d drop us off early and go back to the dance to get everyone else. I was so exhausted, I fell asleep during the ride. When we got to my house, Sam woke me up and I kind of was stumbling and half asleep. Sam laughed and threw his arm around my shoulders.”

I know this sounds ridiculous but there I was, lolling along with him supporting me, my head against his shoulder. And something clicked. Right then, we got to the door and he started to say what a great time he had. What did I do? I started babbling. It was something along the lines of, “Me, too, yeah, it was fun, okay, bye!” And I slammed the door. What I felt like saying was, “This has been the best night of my life, I never realized how completely great you are. You’re the nicest person I know, and I am totally falling for you.”

Not too long after that, Sam went away to camp, leaving Jamie to spend her summer, well…confused. How could it be, she wondered, that with one simple arm-around-the-shoulder, her feelings for Sam could change so suddenly? Did she really like him, or was it her imagination running wild? Could it be that he liked her? Did she dare tell her friends her childhood buddy Sam was now her crush?

Telling Sam seemed out of the question, but if she didn’t say something how would she ever really know if he liked her? What would happen if they did go out? Would it be like friends, only better? Would they still be able to talk on the phone, complain about teachers, work on the school paper, shoot hoops, and catch movies as always? Jamie didn’t even want to think about what would happen if they tried dating and it didn’t work. Losing Sam as a friend seemed much worse than never finding out if Sam liked her back. With only a few weeks left until Sam’s return, Jamie was still sorting it out: “Two months and you’d think I’d have reached a conclusion. But I’m still just as confused about Sam as when I was standing at my door after prom that night.”

Jamie isn’t alone. While many girls say the idea of dating their best guy bud is just too gross to contemplate, just as many are surprised at how their feelings can change. Friendships between guys and girls are hardly uncommon, but what might be new to you is the possibility that the two of you could be more than friends.

ARE THE TWO OF YOU REALLY “JUST FRIENDS”?

Ben, 14, is sure his girlfriend Gabby, also 14, believes they are two friends who decided to date. But if you got Ben alone, he’d admit to a slightly different version of their story. “When we got to high school last year, I noticed Gabby right away. She’s into theater like I am, loves cool music, and has a great group of friends. I wanted to get to know her, but I liked her a little, too. I never had a girlfriend before, so I basically decided to just hang out with her and maybe something would happen someday. I’m not exactly someone who would just walk up to a girl and expect her to fall head over heels—that’s not me.”

It took a year and a half, but one day Gabby found herself thinking how much she liked Ben. She asked him to practice a scene for an audition. Not one to shy away from making the first move, Gabby picked a scene between two characters in love, then, “I just kind of improvised my own scene. In the play, the characters decide they are better off being apart. But I started saying how I could never be without him, and how much I like him. Ben got the hint!”

We certainly don’t want to make it seem like guys only become friends with you as stealth dating technique. But, in some cases, you may be the only person who thinks you were just pals to begin with.

Says Gabby’s friend Rachel, “All of us teased Gabby about how much Ben liked her. She always denied it. But, c’mon, the guy spent hours with her learning lines, calling her house, and watching Buffy, on the phone with her. He thought nothing of getting up at dawn to wait in line for Lilith Fair tickets. You just don’t really expect all that from a guy you’re just friends with.”

What are some clues that indicate things are more than they seem? For one, if everyone but you thinks that your guy friend has other thoughts, don’t be so quick to dismiss. They are on the outside of your friendship looking in and may be able to see things more clearly.

Second, think about your guy bud’s actions. If he skips baseball with the guys so he can tutor you for a math quiz, always tapes your fave TV show when you’re at soccer games, and buys you your favorite cookie at lunch, this is someone who is trying to make himself indispensable. Still, it could all be for the sake of friendship. You have to evaluate the relationship and decide if he is just being his same great self—or if he is trying to hint at how great life could be if you’d only wake up and give him a chance.

Are you willing to give up your friendship to have a boyfriend? Say you’re not the clueless one here. Sure, any relationship needs to be based on the same qualities that make people great friends: common interests, mutual caring, fun times. But do you really need to complicate it with a crush? Have you thought through all the possible outcomes?

Carrie, 15, and Steve, 16, were friends for a year when she decided to push the issue of turning their friendship into romance. At first, Steve went along with it. Then, he decided he wanted to be just friends again. It took a lot of work on both their parts to repair the friendship and get things back to normal. Says Carrie, “I had this whole romantic vision of me and Steve, how we would be the perfect couple. But the second we started going out, I saw less of him than when we were friends! I called him like always, but the guy who before would always suggest fun post-study plans suddenly didn’t know what he wanted to do or how to dial a phone. I was completely crushed and felt like everything had gotten screwed up.”

Carrie’s advice? “If you’re thinking about dating your friend, think twice,” she warns. “I wish I had. If you want to go for it, pay attention to how he treats his girlfriend now. The one time Steve had a girlfriend before, he never saw her or called her. They broke up after just a few weeks. Once I thought about it, I realized Steve had never really been comfortable with the girlfriend concept. I guess I thought that would magically change with me. It didn’t.”

Even worse is what happened to Lisa, 15: “When we hung out together with a group, Jack was Mr. Easy-going. Then, we started dating. Suddenly, every time I talked to another guy, I was ‘flirting.’ Jack suddenly became Mr. Possessive. I had to break up with him, and I felt awful because he was a great friend before he became a lousy boyfriend.” The bottom line is: He may be comfortable with you as a friend, but having a girlfriend could turn him into a nervous wreck or worse.

It would be awesome if your guy suddenly realized the girl of his dreams is right in front of him, but you are taking a chance when you put your feelings out there. We all know the worst case scenario: You pour your heart out, and he bursts into laughter. Friend or not, only the biggest creep on the planet would do that. Still, the unfortunate reality is that not every guy you ever like will like you back. Not because you aren’t cool enough, pretty enough or witty enough—just because, well, it could be one of a million reasons, most of which have zilch to do with you. And once the cat is out of the bag, it’s awfully hard to put it back. (We’ve tried; cats don’t like bags).

So how do you go out on a limb without sawing it off? Slowly. Very slowly. While it may be tempting to confess all to your friends, be careful who you tell. For some reason, this kind of news seems to bring out the matchmaker in everyone—getting two friends together seems romantic. So even if you make someone double-swear not to tell, word will almost certainly get back. This might not be the worst thing. If word gets back that he likes you, too, then yippee, mission accomplished. If not, you can laugh the whole thing off as dumb chatter and die a small death.

Stakes too high? Then your only choice is to keep being the friend he already loves to hang out with. Try doing what Ben did with Gabrielle. Make yourself just a little more indispensable, a little more his biggest fan. Leave enough space for him to breathe, and just wonder a little. Sooner or later, not knowing whether you like him might just bug him enough to make the first move. If it doesn’t, if he continues to end every marathon viewing of cheesy monster movies with a “see ya!” then you have your fairly painful answer. The good news is that either way, you still have the best part of him—the part that thinks you’re a really awesome friend.

by GL | 2/1/2016