LIFE

When the coronavirus pandemic shut down the world as we knew it, our social lives came screeching to a half. While some girls began counting the minutes until they could pack their calendars again, others like The Baby-Sitters Club actress Shay Rudolph, 14, realized that staying home wasn't quite so bad after all. Here, Shay explains how quarantine gave her a chance to be her truest self.

"A bunch of us are going to the beach this weekend. Wanna come?"

The question filled me with dread—which sounds weird, I know. Who dreads being invited to hang out with their crew? After months of not being legally allowed to get together, my friends were finally planning a beach trip as a way to reconnect face-to-face after quarantine (granted, from six feet apart, but still...).

"Oh, thanks, but I don't really want to got to the beach," I answered shakily.

"Wait...so you can leave your house finally...but you're choosing to stay home?"

"Yeah, I kind of prefer it that way," I replied, as a wave of relief rushed over me. Finally, I was admitting something that had secretly always been true about me: I actually like being alone.

I consider myself an introverted extrovert. I'm not shy at all, and I stay very busy. I was used to always doing something, always scheduling out what I was going to do every second of every day, always in go-go-go mode—until a worldwide pandemic forced me to chill, that is.

But deep down inside, I knew I wasn't really the social butterfly I tried so hard to force myself to be. No matter how much I enjoy hanging out with my best friends, socializing zaps my energy and, after a while, I need to retreat and spend some time solo to recharge and maintain my mental health. 

It might seem weird that it took literal stay-at-home orders to get me to embrace my own natural state, but saying no to plans with friends is honestly just hard otherwise.

Before quarantine, I always felt a pang deep inside my gut whenever I scrolled through my Instagram feed, looking at all of the FOMO-inducing pictures of fancy brunches and movie montage-esque shopping trips. I assumed it was a longing to be included, to be a part of those photos—and the picture-perfect memories being created in them. But now I know that the gnawing, something-isn't-quite-right feeling wasn't a fear of missing out at all. As it turns out, it was the exact opposite.

When social distancing rules started, for the first time ever I was able to just sit in my room and not feel guilty or selfish for not wanting to constantly hang out with my friends. The truth is that when I'm around a lot of people for too long, my energy levels go wacky. But it took staying home (doing my part to flatten the curve) to embrace how important it is for me to have quiet, personal time. And, tbh, I enjoy it. I finally have given myself the space and the permission just to sit with my thoughts. 

But now things are changing. And when you start to say no to plans with friends (especially after not seeing them for a while), the fallout can be real. Your friends may not understand that wanting to be alone is *not* the same thing as not wanting to hang out with them. They may feel hurt of offended—or skip the invites. They may stop investing in the friendship.

And, full disclosure, I don't know how to solve this problem. It's something I'm still navigating and trying to figure out. It's not easy to be true to yourself and your needs, especially when those needs aren't in line with what society and social media are telling you you "should" want to do.

For me, balancing friendships post-quarantine is going to mean having hard conversations about my limits and boundaries when it comes to hanging out. I've been trying to practice what I might say and how I might explain it to my friends, especially the ones who are super extroverted, the social butterflies who seem to have a boundless desire to be with other people. 

The only thing I can tell them is the truth: That it's nothing personal and that I love them to death, but I get really socially drained sometimes, And when that happens, I need to do what's right for me and say no to some plans.

That's not to say I'll never want friend time. But from here on out, quality is way more important to me than quantity. No longer scrolling on our phones, off in our worlds, we can make a group decision to put our devices away and actually talk and do things. 

Yes, it can be hard to work up the courage to tell your friends that you need your solo space, but your strongest friendships will survive the awkwardness. The people who are truly your friends will be able to understand what you need to be your best self (and what you need to be the best bestie to them). And if someone doesn't get it? That's not your problem...or your friend. 

No one should ever feel bad about living their truth. And when you share who you really are with people, especially your friends, it can make a connection even stronger, Even, sometimes, if it's from a distance.

Shay Rudolph stars as Stacey McGill on Netflix's reboot of The Baby-Sitters Club. You can follow her on Instagram @shayrudolph.

Hey, girl! Just wanted to let you know that this story originally ran in our August/September 2020 issue. Want more? Read the print mag for free *today* when you click HERE.

Images from instagram.com/shayrudolph.

by Shay Rudolph | 8/29/2020