My friend is very negative about herself. She’s always saying how much she sucks at everything. Like in P.E., she’ll say, “I suck at running, basketball, volleyball etc. I can’t do anything right!” But she really doesn’t and she’s really smart too. She’s in 7th grade math when I’m in lower math, she reads like ALL the time and she still puts her smarts down. I try to give her advice and say, “Instead of thinking about the things you’re bad at, look at everything you’re good at.” But it doesn’t seem to work. Today she was saying how this really mean girl in our class who doesn’t like either of us said that she is a brat (she’s so NOT) and now she’s starting to think she’s a brat! I help her as much as I can, but it doesn’t do any good. How do I talk to her?’

-Pretty Beach Gal‘

Pretty Beach Gal,

It sounds like your friend is pretty insecure and might be fishing for compliments. While it can definitely get annoying, you’re a great friend for wanting to help her instead of just giving up. If she’s finding it necessary to fish for compliments, she’s obviously crying for your help.

When she starts doubting herself, try to pick her back up by pointing out all the great things about her. Tell her that the things she’s not as good at are what make her unique. Even our flaws can be perfect. I’m a HUGE fan of “Friends” and there’s an episode where Chandler admits to Monica that she’s terrible at giving massages. Monica, who is a perfectionist and has to be the best at everything, of course gets very offended. He then decides to put it in a different way and tells her she is the best at giving bad massages. If there were an award for giving bad massages, she would win it. Try using these tactics to explain to her that it’s ok to not be perfect.

Now I’m not saying you should tell your friend that she’s the best at being bad at something, but try to help her realize that it’s ok to be bad at something. And that not being the best doesn’t mean she’s bad.

And about this “mean” girl who called her a brat:
1. She’s mean, so of course she’s gonna say mean things, and who is she to pass judgment? Her opinion doesn’t hold any authority, so why should your friend care about what she thinks?
2. Just because that girl thinks she’s a brat doesn’t mean she is, and it doesn’t mean that everyone feels the same way.

In this life, lots of people are going to love you or hate you because not everyone is suited for each other. That’s just the way it goes, and it’s A-OK. Having people who dislike you for your flaws makes those people who love you for them that much more special.

I know it may be hard, and it’s not going to happen in an instant, but just keep working at building her confidence and self-esteem. When she starts to feel more secure about herself, she’ll hopefully stop putting herself down all the time. And when she stops putting herself down, more people will likely start noticing the good things about her rather than the flaws she keeps pointing out.

<3 Jessie M.