CRUSHES

A love letter to myself...and all the single girls out there

I've never been on a date. Nope, not a single one. It's not that I don't want to (because I do!). It's just that, so far, no one's asked me. And, yes I know it's 2021 and I could ask someone out myself. But being on the shyer side, I haven't gotten up the courage.

Let's rewind a few years. There I was, just a week into 10th grade, already crushing hard on a guy in my English Lit class.

I tried to pay attention to Pride and Prejudice, but I couldn't help but glance at my new crush a few times. When class ended, I wanted to talk to him, but he left before I could work up the nerve. I told myself it would be best to wait, anyway. Heck, I didn't know if he was even single.

Later, I found out that he was...at least, back when I'd first spotted him. Sadly, a few weeks later, I saw him holding hands in the hallway with another girl from our class. I was devastated.

But that boy made me realize I wanted a crush. Actually, no, more than that. I wanted a relationship. I figured by New Year's I'd like another guy. And plenty of my friends were still single, too, which helped me feel better about my relationship status.

But the rest of the school year came and went without anyone asking me to a dance through some elaborate proposal—or even texting to ask if I wanted to go get coffee.

Junior year? Same deal. As prom approached, more and more of my classmates got dates. I felt stuck on the sidelines while everyone else's lives were moving blissfully ahead. Why didn't anyone tell me high school romance wasn't always like TV and the movies?

In elementary and middle school, I'd envisioned having my first boyfriend, like dreamy Austin from A Cinderella Story or adorable werewolf Mason from Wizards of Waverly Place.

Now, as I watched my friends couple up and felt my loneliness creep in, I had to face the fact that the cinematic, fireworks-type first relationship—and first kiss—that I had dreamed about just wasn't happening for me.

That New Year's Eve, I scrolled through pic after pic of friends going on dates with their S.O.s and spending the holiday together. I should've been getting ready to go out with my family and ring in the new year. Instead, I wondered yet again why my life didn't match the one I'd seen on screen, and now, on my feed.

That's when it hit me: While I was waiting for my love life to start, my *actual* life was passing me by.

So as the clock struck midnight, I decided to switch things up. Instead of making empty resolutions to change myself for others (like to be more outgoing), I decided to do one thing just for me: I started writing poetry.

I'd taken a few classes as part of my school's writing requirement, but it had never been something I'd worked hard at. I resolved to sign up for an independent project with my poetry teacher, and to write as much as possible.

Within three months, I'd published three poems, and penned 30 more. Writing them allowed me to reflect on my childhood, my family and my old passions. It was great to be able to think back to a time when my biggest concerns were learning how to do the splits for cheerleading camp or collecting the most lip balms in the fourth grade.

My poetry gave me the space to really tune into myself. And that soon sparked a slew of new hobbies—cooking with my mom, road tripping with friends and staging photo shoots in my cutest outfits.

I realized that, busy with my own interests, I was no longer envious of my friends' base. I was able to support my pals while realizing that, tbh, those were the right relationships for *them*, but not for me.

Dealing with the angst of applying to a different college than my boyfriend? Wondering how I'd handle an LDR? No thanks. I could determine my own path for the future based solely on what I wanted.

When the Valentine's Day dance rolled around my senior year, I decided I would go...by myself. I did my hair and makeup and wore a sparkly sequined dress (with pockets!).

Instead of feeling insecure, I felt confident as I walked into the dance and made special memories with my friends. Rather than throw myself a pity party in the corner, I focused on dancing the night away and getting lost in the music.

It ended up being the most fun I had at any school event—just like the big dances at the end of all the movies I'd grown up with. The dress got a ton of compliments. The pics from that night show me being genuinely happy, not faking it for the 'gram.

And, perhaps most meaningful of all, if I'd stayed home, I would've missed out on my last chance to make high school memories (the rest of my senior year went virtual just a few weeks later).

This Valentine's Day? Well, I still don't have a date...and I'm fine with that. I thought I'd meet plenty of potential crushes after graduation—but social distancing has made that sort of impossible. But instead of feeling nervous that I'll never find my person, I actually feel, well, OK.

On Feb. 14, I'll probably be doing DIY blowouts with my sister before going out to eat at my favorite diner (outdoors, ofc, gotta love California weather). After that, we'll watch a movie on the couch and eat chocolates that I bought myself. I'll dress up because I want to, even if it's just for me.

It may sound cheesy, but I feel like the best thing I've ever done is learn to be my own Valentine. For me, that means being happy with who I am and what I want to do, whether or not I'm in a relationship. I'm done letting the fact that I don't have a date stop me from pursuing the best version of myself.

I know that when the moment is right, I'm going to find love, and have a first kiss worthy of the silver screen. And, maybe even more important, I'll be ready to start a relationship in a way that 10th grade Bailey wasn't.

From what I've seen in the movies and from my friends, the best relationships are the ones where you cheer each other on, encourage each other to succeed and feel like you can totally be yourself. I'm so grateful I got to know that person and find my first real love: Me.

Hey, girl! Just wanted to let you know that a version of this story originally ran in our February/March 2021 issue. Want more? Read the print mag for free *today* when you click HERE.

All GIFs via Giphy

by Bailey Bujnosek | 2/14/2021