Abusive relationships aren't always something that get talks about a lot, especially when it comes to teens and young adults. It turns out, though, that it's a pretty huge problem, and one we need to start talking about, like, yesterday. Disney star Debby Ryan is ready to kickstart the conversation, though, and has even partnered with Mary Kay Cosmetics and Loveisrespect.com to spread the word about unhealthy relationship, how you can recognize them and what you can do. Check it out.

GL: So tell us a little about the campaign you and Mary Kay are working on.

Debby: It’s called the “Don’t Look Away” campaign. I know how low you can feel when you’re in a relationship that’s breaking you down. Mary Kay and I agree that everyone deserves to come out of a relationship feeling stronger and better. I want everyone to know the warning signs of an unhealthy relationship and give people a place to turn for help when things aren’t right. When I caught wind of the campaign, I knew it was absolutely something that I needed to do. The campaign has the nation’s only text-for-help service, which is my favorite part. There are hundreds of thousands of young people every year who text in, whether it’s just for advice or help or if they’re in the middle of an urgent crisis. It ranges from anything like, “Hey, I don’t know if my best friend is in a healthy relationship,” to “I’m currently unable to speak, can you please call someone.” I actually texted into the service and talked to see first-hand how the lines work and I’ve met some of the people who are offering support there and it really is lovely hearts helping lovely hearts.

GL: Obvs this issue is super important, but why are you personally so passionate about it?

Debby: I’ve ranged from seeing friends in unhealthy relationships to helping strangers who have come up to me. A few months ago, I was at my house and this woman ran up and was like, “My husband, he’s beating me.” We called the police and I stayed with her until they got there. It was such a crazy, weird thing but I knew that I had to help because I’ve been in a bad relationship. I had a friend who'd be really upset and cuss and scream at me if I hung out with anyone else. The more intense that it got, the more that I realized I was defending him. There were people who were saying, “This doesn’t look healthy, are you okay?” and I would say, “No, you know, it’s totally fine.” In those relationships, you’re always making excuses and defending that person. You’re scared to not spend time with them, but you’re scared to be alone with them. I was lucky because I met this boy that I started dating who very subtly showed me that that’s not what love was and that’s not what love is. There were things that I hated and there were things I had to make peace with, but ultimately I walked away from it and I walked away stronger. I know that there are a lot of people who don’t have that and don’t know what love looks like and maybe they don’t know that love is gentle. It should not leave any scars on you, it should make you feel more whole. I had that, so I knew that I deserved more than being locked in rooms and dragged and yelled at and screamed at. I think about my fans and I think about my friends being treated the way that I was treated and it breaks my heart. I want people to know that, at any point, if you start to get to the point where you’re like, “He’s not as nice as he used to be, I’m feeling kind of manipulated, this isn’t what I want,” that they have a place where they can be anonymous and text in and be fully supported. You can get advice on how to handle it and really figure it out for yourself. To know that you’re not alone is one of the biggest gifts that someone could give you and that’s what Mary Kay and Loveisrespect are doing.

GL: How can young women and men recognize red flags when they see them?

Debby: Know that if you walk away from a situation with someone and you’re feeling a little bit damaged, or you’re in bed and you can’t fall asleep because all of these things that they said or did are running through your head, if you’re feeling more insecure, those things are not symptoms of a healthy love. What’s great about the program is that anybody who’s seen signs of any unhealthy behavior in the relationship can text “love is” to 22522 where you’ll be connected to a peer advocate, someone our age, so it’s not like talking to your mom. Talking to your mom is amazing, but it’s always good to have someone your age who gets it. If you start feeling out of control or insecure or any of these things in a relationship, reach out and check in. Just see if it’s normal or healthy or okay. MaryKay.com/DontLookAway has signs of an unhealthy relationship and resources and everything there so you can be like, “Hm, maybe this isn’t the best relationship.” If you don’t feel taken care of, or if you feel manipulated, whatever it is, if you go on that website they’ll really break things down for you. It’s totally safe, totally anonymous. You can feel secure in knowing that you are getting the kind of love that you deserve.

GL: Do you have any good tips for identifying bad behaviors in your life?

Debby: Here's a really general one: If you feel anxious before hanging out with someone, if they text you and your first thought is "What did I do now," if you're constantly feeling like you're on the defensive, if they demand to know where you're going, those are signs of an unhealthy relationship. It could be something as simple as if you don’t like the movies but they always want to go to the movies and they never listen to your suggestions, that’s bad. If someone is like, “Oh, who are you texting? What are you doing? Where are you going?” all the time, it’s called digital abuse and it’s an actual thing. Relationships are exhausting, but if you do them right, they are the best kind of exhaustion. It makes you stronger individually and it makes you stronger together. If being with someone exhausts you more than it’s worth, if the work and the stress are louder than being in love, if controlling and manipulation and accusations are louder than being in love, it’s not worth it and it’s not healthy. Also, listen to people’s behaviors, don’t listen to their words.

GL: How common are abusive relationships among teens?

Debby: One in three young people will experience some form of dating violence – one in three. A lot of it goes unmentioned, and that’s what’s scary. If you think about a group of three girls, one of them probably has experienced or might experience unhealthy behaviors, including dating violence. Domestic violence is a cycle, and if it starts when we’re teenagers, when we’re young adults, it could be something that you get used to. I’m terrified that anyone would ever get used to that. Right now, I want to unnormalize this and that’s what we’re trying to do.

GL: What else are you and Mary Kay working on?

Debby: We have this incredible thing that I’m so excited about called the Mary Kay Global Day of Beauty and we're basically helping survivors of abuse feel more beautiful inside and out. When I’ve had a long day and I’m emotionally exhausted and my family is going through something, I sit in a makeup chair on set and a woman makes my face up and I get up feeling a little bit more beautiful. It’s not about putting on good makeup, it’s about making you feel beautiful inside and out. It’s about someone taking the time to let you know how beautiful you are. Women all over the country are getting pampered by Mary Kay, and it’s just a small step towards a fresh start. It’s a confidence boost. These women who can overcome something like this and pick themselves up and realize how beautiful and valuable and incredible they are and start over are the strongest kind of warrior, and I'm so excited I get to hang out with these incredible survivors. I love a warrior in lipstick – there’s something to me about that.

Had you heard about the Mary Kay campaign or Loveisrespect before? Did Debby make you feel more prepared to protect yourself and your friends? Let us know in the comments and don't forget to check out MaryKay.com/DontLookAway or text "love is" to 22522 if you ever have any questions or concerns about relationship abuse.

Photo credit to: Logan Cole

POSTED IN Debby Ryan, charity