CRUSHES

“I know I got a C- on my science midterm, but I’m sure my grades this spring will qualify me for early admission to med school,” confides my friend Jamie, who doesn’t know a beaker from a breadstick. The reason behind her sudden craving for chemistry? “I just found out Scott Simiski is in my lab group!!!” And, to hear Jamie tell it, there is no lack of chemistry between her and Scott. Then, the truth hits me like an atom in a particle accelerator—the crush crazies have struck again.

It doesn’t take a brain surgeon to figure out what a new crush can do to a girl. Suddenly, you smile a little bigger. Your step has an extra bounce. You think nothing of rolling out of bed at 5:45 a.m. to blow your hair dry. Yes, now that your crush has come along, each new day brims with possibility. Even though it’s November, you’re sure you hear birds singing as you pass his locker. Instead of viewing the rain outside as cold and dreary, it’s now cozy and romantic.

The buzz you get from having a new crush couldn’t be matched by a whole Starbucks cafe full of frappachino. But as good as having a crush can feel, it is my duty to inform you of one tiny detail—love can turn you loony.

Don’t believe me? That’s the funny thing about the crush crazies. They strike otherwise perfectly normal girls. Take Jen. She recently took her chocolate lab Java for his nightly walk around the block. Then she hiked it an extra twenty—that’s 20!—blocks north, on the off chance she might “bump into” her crush near his house.

Then there’s Claire. Her crush gave her the number to his private line so they could discuss sets they were building for the school production of South Pacific. That was two months ago. Claire still calls the number—except now it’s just to hear his voice on his answering machine. She worries that he might have caller ID, “but since he hasn’t had me arrested,” she just keeps on calling.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not talking about those little things you do to give fate the extra nudge it needs to bring you together with your crush. There’s no harm in consulting your Magic 8-ball or passing by his locker on occasion. I’m talking about the things we do for love that later cause us to do a V-8 headslap. By now, each of us have probably had a few “What was I thinking?!?” moments that make us cringe in retrospect. But don’t be so hard on yourself—after all, you weren’t thinking. The crush crazies were thinking for you. The bad news is even the most sane, level-headed girl can find herself caving in to the crush crazies. The trick is to take a chance on romance—without turning into a fool for love. Below are some smart crush moves to make sure you’re staying sane.

Smart Crush Move No. 1:  Be sure he is worthy. One of the weird things about the crush crazies is they tend to strike hardest when our crush is someone we only know from afar. Let’s say you’re a freshman and you fall like a rock for the captain of the football team, a senior. He’s all you think about. It matters not at all to you that you have no classes with this guy and no mutual friends. Heck, you and he are barely on “hello” terms. But from where you sit in the bleachers, he has it all—he’s great looking, an awesome athlete, someone who has a lot of pull with people in school. He’s perfect—and you must have him.

Hate to be the one to burst your love bubble, but guess what? He’s not perfect. You just haven’t had the chance to find that out yet. Still, you are willing to stake your happiness on whether or not this is the week he figures out your name is Bridget, not Brittany.
It’s disappointing when a crush doesn’t reciprocate the same amount of attention and affection you dish out for him. But when you stop to think about it, how could he? While Joe Pigskin is off pumping iron three hours each night (you don’t get those biceps by staying home with a good book), you’ve been daydreaming about how awesome it would be to have him as a boyfriend. But what do you really know about him? Do you have common interests? Would he support your efforts to write your first novel by 18? Who knows? You don’t.

It’s not that you shouldn’t be flexible in your expectations or that you shouldn’t consider someone who is your social or personal opposite. Some great romances happen between people who outwardly might not have much in common. But there has to be respect, caring and understanding. Unless you have a sense of who your crush truly is, it’s foolish to put all your happiness eggs in his basket. No matter how cute his basket is.

No doubt, it’s fun to like someone from afar—and safe. You never have to risk rejection or find yourself in dating situations you may not feel ready for if your relationship is limited to writing his name on the bottom of your shoe. And it’s perfectly OK to have what some people call “schoolgirl” crushes on people like celebrities and athletes as long as you recognize your admiration for what it is—a starry-eyed crush (and if you are going to crush on a football player, may we recommend Tom Brady?).

But if you’re ready to consider dating, look around your own group for guys you know and respect. Save your sentiments for someone who will appreciate them—and, hopefully, return them.

Smart Crush Move No. 2: Don’t go changing. Once you learn more about your crush (He plays tuba! He drinks Peach Snapple!), the crush crazies tempt you to convince your crush how much you two have in common. That’s how Michelle ended up spending a freezing cold Sunday chasing her amour through a frigid forest—on skis.

When Michelle heard her crush was looking for company on one of his 10-mile cross country ski-a-thons, she professed her love for slip-sliding the day away. Of course, the closest thing to cross country skiing Michelle had ever done was 10 minutes on her mom’s Nordic Track. It quickly became apparent Michelle wasn’t cross country savvy when she fell flat on her face the second she tried to push down the path. “It was painfully obvious I had totally lied,” Michelle remembers. “He was bummed, and I was totally embarrassed.” Her crush left her in a hut with some hot chocolate and a magazine. “That was our first date—and our last,” she says.

Rationally, we all know pretending to be someone we aren’t is a bad idea. But when you are desperate to find a connection to the object of your affection, it’s hard not to chirp up with “Me, too!” when he waxes poetic over ski wax. But before you find yourself hugging a pine instead of pining away, search for truth in what is about to fly out of your mouth. There is nothing wrong with saying, “Wow, you can ski 10 miles? I can’t go 10 feet, but I’d love to learn.”

Why would that have been a smarter move? Because for many guys, the only thing better than mastering an activity is sharing that knowledge with someone else. Whether your crush writes cool song lyrics, plays piano or is an awesome cook, one of the nicest things you can do for him is show a sincere interest in what he loves most. Who knows? He might get a clue and offer you a lesson. But if, after your best efforts, you can’t stand the cold, then get out of the, um, forest.

Smart Crush Move No. 3: Don’t show and don’t tell.  If you really want a “Thank heavens that wasn’t me” moment, try Shari’s story on for size. She had a huge crush on the star of the freshman lacrosse team. When the team reached the finals, she thought it would be fun to show her support by making T-shirts with his picture and a big #1.
“I scanned in a photo I snapped at a game and transferred it to a T-shirt. I thought it would be a cool way to show him I care. Of course, his teammates saw me wearing it and started laughing and teasing him. He was nice about it, but it was obvious I had blown it.”

When under the spell of the crush crazies, it’s easy to think a stunt like Shari’s will be a welcome ice-breaker. But more often than not, big gestures fall flat. Why? First, most guys hate being put on the spot. When you go over the top to get noticed, you are, in a way, forcing your crush to make a decision he might not be ready for. You may have been working up to this for months, but on his radar screen, you are barely a blip. Asking him to like you before he knows you is totally unfair.

Second, most guys would rather get to know you without the whole school being in on it. When you publicize your feelings in a bold way, you are forcing your crush to come clean about his feelings—something many guys have a tough time doing, no matter how into you they may be.

Third, some guys get scared off by girls who are willing to go to great lengths to get them to like them. When I talked to guys who had been subject to outrageous attention-getters, their reactions were mostly negative. Some guys wondered how their admirers could like them so much when the girls barely knew them. Others felt strong displays of affection meant the girls wanted a relationship more serious than they felt ready for. The most calloused guys questioned the sanity of any girl who would like them enough to embarrass herself.

We have one word for you: moderation. There is no reason not to offer to help with his French if you’re a Francophile and his French sounds like Pepe Le Pew. Giving him a supportive smile across the cafeteria when he drops his lunch tray in front of the sophomore class is just plain kind. And if he’s the one organizing the soccer team bake sale, why not offer to whip up a batch of your famous choco-mint chip cookies?

The key to success? Wait until you’re on friendly terms. When you do something to show you care instead of trying to make someone care about you, you are more likely to get the result you want. So give it time—then give it your all.

Smart Crush Move No. 4: Stop with the hairspray, already. Before, it took you 10 minutes to shower and two seconds in the closet to face the day. Now that the crush crazies have struck, you spend 10 minutes just deciding what shampoo to use. And forget your closet—nothing you own is cute enough for your crush!

A word from the wise—relax. While TV ads show girls with flowing strands of shimmering flaxen getting the guy, in real life, guys barely notice if you brush your teeth. Ditto the new duds. One guy we asked actually liked the girl crushing on him, but lost interest when she pulled an image switcheroo. “She looked great in jeans and turtlenecks,” recalls our Romeo, “but then it was all mini-skirts and platforms. It’s like she turned into the Pop Princess of homeroom.”

The best advice? Be the same girl he already says hi to every morning. While doing your own Cinderella transformation may seem like a sure way to get his attention, it’ll still be you on the inside. And if that’s not good enough for him, then he isn’t good enough for you.

Smart Crush Move No. 5: Next! A smart girl knows when to cut her losses. While the crush crazies may convince you to hope against hope, there are good real-life reasons to move on. First of all, there is only so much obsessing you—and your friends—can take. If, after your best efforts, your intended shows no intentions toward you, you must realize you might be better off as friends. As much as you might want a relationship, it takes two to make a couple.

Here’s a good test: Would you accept from a friend the same treatment your crush gives you? If your friend never called and dissed you when other people were around, would you still like her? The crush crazies blind us to behavior that would otherwise send us running.

While it takes time to get over your crush, the girls I know were happy they moved on (OK, maybe after a few tears). Most couldn’t remember what they were thinking when they liked a guy who ended up being a jerk. And, as many girls found out, not being known around school as “the girl who likes so-and-so” opened up a world of possibilities.

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